2nd Date
Last time I was left wondering what to do next, and no it didn’t take me a month to land a second date, December is a busy month for everyone, and dating someone new, while particularly exciting in the holiday season, doesn’t allow much time for reflection. So over the next couple weeks, I`ll be busy posting something of a holiday dating recap.
There`s a certain amount of pacing required in good dating. You have can have an entire arsenal of tools, tricks in your utility belt but you also know when to use them as well as how. The First Date set the stage, first impressions are important. While following it up with something even better, like a one-two punch seems like a good idea initially, but in the long term your just shooting yourself in the leg. I could go on with at least half a dozen metaphors to relate this but lets just settle for dating being a distance race rather than a sprint. Too much too fast is only going to leave you with nothing left to finish, and you look rather foolish in the process to everyone watching. To that point, the second date has to be something a step back from the first, slightly more casual yet still intimate. Timing is also key, you can`t have the second date right on the heels of the first, yet if you wait too long then you`re pretty much starting from scratch all over again because all the momentum from the first date has fizzled out over time. Usually a week (give or take a few days) is a good enough buffer between dates.
In my case, I decided on a movie followed by appy`s and drinks later. The beauty of the movie before any food and conversation is that you can let the movie do most of the work for you. The psychology behind the movie is it puts you both in very similar emotional states, allowing you to mirror and empathize with each other more easily (Psych studies show that people like people who are more similar to themselves) WARNING: This doesn`t mean you should start pretending or point out how similar you are to the other person. Actually, at this point I`m going to point out a very big error that both men and women commit, sometimes without even realizing it.
NEVER, and I mean NEVER attempt to validate or compare yourself to your date’s ideal partner. Remember first and foremost that you can’t convince someone to like you with a list of reasons, so don`t even try to. You attract them with attitude and actions, NOT WORDS. Don’t even ask what their ideal mate is. As far as you’re concerned, it should be you. If you don`t believe you’re good enough for this person chances are they won’t believe it either. I’ve seen it a dozen times where I take are girl out on a date, she’ll ask me what type of girl I’m looking for and she’ll start giving me examples of all the ways she fits that description. While cute from my perspective, it lets me know I’m in control of the “relationship” at that point, because she`s pandering to my wants and needs. While men like being in control, not a lot of women find push overs or door mats very attractive. By playing to their every want and need you`re taking out the aspect of challenge, and a little challenge here and there is definitely a good thing. Without a challenge, this little game gets boring fast. Now, that’s not to say you shouldn’t be clear about what type of partner you’re looking for. BUT keep it about you’re needs. You’ll have all the time in the world to attend to theirs once you get the gig, but until then focusing on what you’re looking for will tell her that you’re not just looking to get laid and on the flip side for girls; tells him that you`re a challenge and helps weed out the door mats and “players” from the guys you want to be dating. Alrighty, lesson learned- I think I was talking about why movies rock for second dates…
So not only does it put you both in similar chemical states of arousal, (ie happy, sad scared- stick to happy or scary for date movies- no one want to see each other cry on the second date) you also have a great topic of conversation for the appys and drinks afterwards. I`m pretty sure I could go on about movies all day, so its safe to say I was stocked on conversation options for the rest of the evening (ie the message of the movie, how it relates to our society, how I always wanted to act when i was a kid- which is a great segway into childhood dreams and wishes.. blah blah blah, you got me at “message of the movie” right? Cool).
So after we chatted 2.5 days after the first date we made a plan to meet again next week when schedules permitted. When giving up which days you`re free its usually a good idea to pick 2 days that work, no more, and see how they stack up to her schedule. It shows you`re busy and helps the decision not bombarding her with too many choices. Remember most women aren`t terribly decisive when it comes to dating. So she tells me which day works best for her, if its not one of my 2 days but it still works for me, I tell her I that I`m free after 6:00(pm) that day or make some cheeky remark (jokingly) about how I might be able to pencil her in. She`ll either try to salvage defend her pride with some retort or play into it, in either case I laugh and make some ridiculous compromise- I`ll cancel my plans sat, but she better not think that I`m easy, or make her buy dessert.. something little and easy to concede to. Overall it shows your time is valuable to you, you`re not a push over, and sets up a playful pattern of exchange that will likely become a model of further future exchanges. IF however I am busy that day or she`s busy everyday, well no one is THAT busy and wants to date. They probably are too unavailable or too flaky to be worth your time- which may very well be better invested somewhere else. Sometimes two people are just victims of circumstance and can`t get their timing right. In any case the ultimate goal of dating isn`t to make the other person like you, its to find out if the other person is right for you. ALWAYS keep that in mind. When dating stops being fun and becomes a chore something isn`t right.
SO after making plans for Tuesday a week in advance- Tuesday BTW is my fav date night, not a lot going on during the week which means less stress and hustle when it comes to finding restaurants and waiting in lines at the theater (Less stress= more fun). Another side note: You don’t necessarily have to give her ALL the details about the date next week. Just make sure you plan the when, not the what. Tell her you’ll call her the day or two days before with the details, it gives you the excuse to confirm and anticipation and a little mystery won’t hurt you. Anyways, as I said, after making plans for Tuesday I pick her up at 7:00 before the movie starts (usually a good idea) and as I greet her, I figure that since we kissed at the end of the first, its seem appropriate to kiss her at the start of the second, just a light casual kiss hello. It also helps to normalize the act, just don’t go overboard. We saw a romantic comedy (not much horror flicks near Christmas), we laughed, had a good time, she rests her head on my shoulder- I hold her hand for a few moments, we connect- all without having to say more than a few sentences to each other in 1.5-2 hours. The movie ends and it was actually decent, so we head off to the restaurant for an appy/dessert and drinks if we don’t have to get up too early tomorrow. We talk, as I said: endless conversation topics to choose from. Learn a bit more about each other and before it gets too late or quiets down too much I grab the cheque, (or the “william” if I feel like being dorky and/or clever) and we head for the car.
Now at this point you`re smiling, you`re laughing, holding hands, you`re thinking ahead to the end of the night. Are you going to go for the make out at the door this time? Should you try to go as far as you can? Well… that depends really. If she lives with mom n dad, or roommates- then getting invited in isn`t an option and trying for the make out in front of the door could make here a little self conscious of people who might be watching. If she has her own place then go for gold like she`ll expect you to, Try being a little more spontaneous, if you got the kiss on the first date, and went for the kiss at the beginning of the second you have two options. You can try the make out before the ride home, ie. in the car outside the restaurant OR you can forgo all of it- for the reason she`ll be expecting it. Playfully tease them at the door then say good night before anything physical happens. Unpredictability can be a good thing if used properly, and mixed messages get under a date`s skin like you wouldn`t believe. The lack of kiss or make-out at the end of the second date might make her second guess herself. She`ll wonder what`s wrong, possibly obsess over the date, and you. She`ll likely be thinking about you a lot, maybe even send you a txt message the next day to feel you out. Don`t reply right away- give it two hours or reply with an emo- my fav thing to do is reply with a ;) and possibly something slightly cheeky. This way I`m not revealing much about how I feel but still convey a sense of playfulness. Its your call, try to tailor it to your personality. Keep them guessing and you`ll keep them coming back for more. And so the second date has ended, and I feel better the next day when I get her text because i know things are going exactly the way I want them to. At least so long as I don`t screw it up.. lol more to come soon!
;)
